rant of random thoughts...

July 11 - post of random thoughts that I wrote a few weeks ago (June 22)

I got the STINT application package last week from Renee. I think it will take longer to fill out than I thought. I realise that this is a pretty big decision that I have to make and I'm a little worried that the decision I make isn't what God wants me to do. I've temporarily put aside the thought of my parents being 100% supportive of my decision to go on STINT because if this is my calling then I will follow through with it even if my parents don't entirely like the idea. But at the same time I'm still concerned because I will need my dad to fill out my pastor's reference form. I don't know why I feel this way, but the thought constantly comes up that I need to prove that I'm worthy of going on STINT to my dad (and to others), even though I know that I will never really be 'qualified'.

Not really sure either, why the thought has crept in that all the things that have happened in the last 2 years that have pointed towards Japan do not actually equate to a call to go serve there as a missionary. Having said that though, my desire to go serve there hasn't diminished in any way in the last half year since Mission Megumi and those thoughts I've been having are probably a result of feeling a bit lost about my future and having completed my course. I guess I've been a little insecure about graduating from studying education since I've haven't been 100% sure whether this is what God wanted me to do and am not even sure if this is the area I want to work in in the future too. Even though I hoped the uncertainty would go away, it has stuck with me throughout the whole duration of my course; whether I made the right choice to study education or not. And my parents didn't help a whole lot because even though they encouraged me in my decision to study education, I could always tell that they didn't really think I would ever make a good teacher or be suitable for such a job.

The other thing that has crossed my mind is whether there are things that certain people should simply not do. Was I just trying to force myself into the teacher mould even though I'm not suited for such a role? I wonder if I really fit such a position...

This is not that related but also, as a Christian, shouldn't the ability to lead a bible study or teach on a passage/topic be something that we can all do? Shouldn't we all be able to share the Gospel with someone with the same ease that we have when it comes to say breathing or eating? People try to excuse themselves from certain areas of service because they're not "gifted" in that area or are they just too lazy to learn or too comfortable with how things are. It's something I've seen at my church with people in all age groups who would rather be spoon-fed and stay as a baby who can't do anything for themselves, rather than be challenged and actually grow in maturity. argh I don't know

Finished!

ALL DONE WOOHOO!

Final week as a student

:( Last week was my final week 13 as a student. Even though I will still plan to stick around uni and help out at SL for the rest of the year, the reality is that I'm no longer a student! Last Wednesday was the final weekly meeting for me as a student too. I did feel a little sad when we were watching a video Brian made about the semester that had just passed. So much happened and the time seriously has just flown by. It really feels like yesterday when I first started uni and didn't really have any idea what I was doing. I'm glad to be finishing though. I had a few bad dreams though about not being able to graduate because of problems to do with my subjects, but luckily they're just dreams.

It was also my final week working at Nando's. Sad that it's all over, to not be working with my workmates there anymore and no more free food :( But at the same time, very relieved to finally finish up and not have to work there anymore. After I worked my final shift I attended the last ISM meeting and was farewelled. We had a time of sharing and praying for each other which was very encouraging, especially as it seemed like everything was wrapping up for me to move onto another stage of my life. I was also glad to have the opportunity to share with an international student and encourage them to come to MYC.

While there have been many "lasts", there have also been a few "firsts". We had our first MYC fundraiser on Saturday which I MC-ed with Arni and our first try at a study break/chill out area during SWOT VAC today. The fundraiser was a success and I think those that shared their testimonies (Roxanne (student), Brian (missionary) and Anna (former student)) were greatly used by God. Also got to catch up with my old discipler, Meredith and meet a guy who has a heart for Japan! As for the study break area we were running today, I could see that some students really appreciated the services we provided, especially the food/lunch, so hopefully in the next two days it will continue to be a positive environment and that we will have the opportunity to have spiritual conversations with students. I tried to get involved today but kept thinking back to the assignment that I have to finish. Hope I can get most of it done tomorrow so I can go in on Wednesday and help out with the study break stuff.

it's all coming to an end

I wrote my resignation letter for work and am going in to hand it to the managers today. It felt good to finally write the letter after wanting to quit for awhile. :( I will still work a few more times before I finish up.

Today the US summer project team arrives too. I have the opportunity to head up this week's weekly meeting. It seems like there is quite a lot to do and don't really know how things will turn out. But am really trusting that God will be in control of everything that happens, especially the outreach this week and main talk on Wednesday.

Aah and I gotta finish my last assignment and get it out of the way. That way I can concentrate on all the things that need to be done for MYC!!! Also, today is my very last lecture EVER! Don't know if I should be happy or sad!

what's been happening?!

So much has happened in the last two months! I was meaning to do a post at the start of April, but never got around to it. Anyway, just an update on what's been going on in the last two months:
- Went on my last Connexions camp :( but it was a great three days! Got to serve on the worship team and Carrie the 2nd year student I've been meeting up with one-on-one also went.
- Completed 50% of my assessments for the subject I'm doing. Not long to go before the semester's over now too! (4 more weeks!)
- Got to organise an SL social with Devin and Jason so all the people who attend different bible studies could meet and hang out with each other. It was very successful and a lot of fun! Got to plug MYC there and 3 of the students were quite interested.
- Went to Brisbane for SL Summer Projects forum. Got to hear and talk about Summer Projects and what they would look like being student led and how the different modes of evangelism play a part in the different projects. Was a very long (tiring) day but took a lot away from it and was really motivated to go on one last project as a student!
- Finished my very last placement at Mount Scopus Memorial College (a Jewish school). It was only for 5 days but I learnt a lot and it has given me more interest in learning about the Jewish people/history/customs and Hebrew as well. I still have one more assignment which will be based on my placement.

Yeah so that's pretty much all. Right now, I'm just getting through the last weeks of my classes and working to finish the assignment, as well as preparing/planning for MYC with Renee and Maicy (missionary from Sydney). I'm still considering my future and praying about going to Japan next year for a one year STINT. Hoping to make a definite decision by the end of this month. Time flies!!!!

Week 3 already! USC Spring break team is here!

So originally I was gonna write something in week 1 but never got around to finishing it. Now it's week 3! In the first week I had the first of my last classes, had follow up appointments with students, went to the welcome lunches for first years and got to share about my uni experience/Student Life at two of the lunches.

For most of the follow up appointments I went with Julie (missionary) and was glad that someone came along with me to the students I had called up. I was less nervous and was really able to practise sharing Student Life's vision and mission to new students. It felt like through the opportunities to share, I learnt so much and became so much more familiar with what SL does and why it exists. I realised that I really am privileged to be a part of it because prior to getting involved, I never thought that I would be the kind of person that would be able to be doing what I'm doing now at SL (especially in the area of evangelism).

Last Saturday, a group from the University of Southern California arrived and for the past few days they have been doing outreach on campus. They were asking the question "what is true happiness?" which came about from one of the questions we had on our O-Week survey. We had a table where we were asking students this question and telling them about the main event which was on Wednesday (ice cream and talk about happiness). My friend Nicole (who isn't a Christian) came along and got to hear the testimonies of two of the US students so that was really great!

It has been good having extra hands to help do evangelism on campus too because they were able to help in talking to students who don't know Christ but also to attract and pass over to us Christian contacts who (for whatever reason) hadn't been connected with SL or missed out on seeing us during O-Week. Today they're holding a pizza and sports social to sort of finish off the week. The week has gone by so quickly and they're gonna be leaving on Sunday.

I'm glad that I've been kept busy but I'm also glad that next week will sorta be a break from so much stuff since before uni started. There will be an interclub outreach the week after in light of Easter approaching so it should be exciting!

The Beginning of the End :(

Sad reality but this week is the beginning of the end of my time at uni as a student! In a way there is a sense of relief for it to finally be over but at the same time it's a little sad that it's coming to an end. Time has really flown by, it feels like it was just yesterday that I started uni, or that I was able to go on exchange to Korea in my third year! (It was my dream to go since the end of high school hehe.)

Anyway, O'Week starts today and we will have the stall for the next three days. We had pre-season training yesterday as well and I led the phone calling session! It was a good day of vision casting, doing a prayer walk on campus and getting prepared for O'Week. I'm excited for what will happen over the next three days and for the people that we will meet. I'm praying and trusting that God will do amazing things and allow us to encounter really awesome people who are either interested in finding out about God, or who are on fire for God or who we can encourage in their walk with God.

Please pray for us at Monash, as well as all the other uni's with Christian groups that have O'Week stuff this week.

Lunar New Year update :)

It's been a month since I got back from Korea. Over the past month I've been able to catch up with friends and share with supporters/church members about my experience in Japan and get back into preparation for what Student Life will be doing at Monash this year.

Last week I gave out copies of the Mission Megumi newsletter and in a few of my supporters thank you notes I mentioned that I am considering a year STINT in Japan after graduating. I was meant to tell my parents about it on that day I gave out the newsletters too but didn't end up mentioning it to them. Then the next day I spent the day at Mike and Aimee's for Student Life preparation and when I got back my mum asked me about Japan because an aunty at church had mentioned it to her over the phone that day. My parents are not so supportive of the idea of STINTing in Japan yet because they've always been telling me to just stay here and get a job to make money first. I understand where they are coming from but they have said some other things too which have been a little disheartening. I know I'm not a perfect person but to have them say some things to judge me sort of hurt...

But anyway, I realise there are many areas I still need to work on and need God to change. It feels like in my parents' eyes I still need to prove to them my worth or somehow gain their full trust, but at the same time I know I just can't prove to them that I will ever be a person "worthy" to be a missionary/do God's work. Something I remember that Connie always said though was that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. It reminds me to focus on Him and not me. But I also know that while I need to keep my focus on Him, I can't just ignore the things that I do that are wrong or displeasing to Him. I guess in my mind I have actually only been thinking about pleasing my parents (and keeping myself comfortable) even though I thought I had been focusing on God's call for me in the Great Commission.

It's weird though...I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this and can only pray that God will work in my parents' hearts and that He will also change me. It has only been one week, so I really trust that God will work over time. I haven't taken the hurtful things my parents said too much to heart because it was within the first few days of them finding out and figured that they probably hadn't thought through the situation that much yet. And I know that what they did say would have been out of concern and love for me rather than to intentionally hurt me. They probably find it hard to express that in the way they speak :( because it's always mainly about money -__-

Ironically, today at church someone placed in the offering $300 for me! I was surprised because although I had mentioned to a few people about my plan to go to Japan again, I only asked them to pray for me and not for money. The envelope only had my name on it and I was wondering whether or not to tell my parents. But of course I did and for a second I did worry that my dad would say or want me to return it to the person. However, he couldn't recognise the writing so he didn't say anything about it. I'm so thankful to this person and for God's provision even though things haven't been so good since my parents found out. I'm nervous but excited for how things will unfold in the coming year.

Lastly, HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!! (it's my birthday today according to the lunar calendar ^___________^)
Happy birthday to meeeeee~! and Happy Valentine's day too! :)

Mission Megumi

It has already been about two weeks since Mission Megumi ended! Time really flies because it feels like it was not that long ago when I was still thinking about going on MM and getting ready to apply for it. I got a taste of what it is like living and serving in Japan, and honestly, after coming to Korea straight after, I realised that I like certain things about Japan more than I do about Korea. The Japanese really are an amazing group of people.

My time here in Seoul has really been a time of slowing down, spending time with God and thinking about this coming year and my future and really surrendering it all to Him. Although, I am not fully sure of what He wants me to do, I know He is starting to give me hints and pointers to where He wants me to go. My biggest obstacle is letting go of the desires that I have and that others have for me and focusing on God's will alone. I feel my indecisiveness is also an issue but it seems that God is helping me work through that and bringing me down in humility to Him.

Anyway, I just want to share something I wrote during the debrief on project about what I learnt and what I was most thankful to God for. Before project, I sort of thought that it would just be us telling of God's grace to Japanese students. I always knew that God's grace is sufficient for me but on this project he really showed me what that means. Whenever an opportunity came up to share about Jesus, my testimony or the Gospel, I could see God's grace in the conversations not just for me in how and what words I used to share, but also for the students in terms of understanding and always having someone there to translate. In situations where I worried or got concerned that I wouldn't be able to communicate with or understand the students, God's grace flowed out and was truly sufficient for me.

Particularly at the Aussie culture night when I was on a table with 4 NGU girls (not the uni I was based at). I wondered how I was possibly going to share with these girls that I had just met about 15 minutes ago who weren't that confident with English either. But while I was worrying, I later realised that God had already prepared everything because from the start He provided and placed Saki on the table too. Although, she is just 13 I could see God's grace through her to be able to translate so that we could share with the students about the meaning of Christmas and do a short Gospel presentation, despite my worries that the conversation wouldn't get anywhere.

The passage from 2 Corinthians 12:9 has all the more meaning now:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is
made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

God really poured out His grace over my weaknesses during MM so that His power and sovereignity over everything would be made known.

wowow 11 more days and support raising completed!

I can't believe how quickly time has passed and now there is only 11 days to go before I fly to Sydney for MM briefing and training. I've also completed my support raising in the last week. I'm so thankful for the amazing amount of support from people at church. I'm really excited that it's almost time but also nervous as well.

I found out that I will be based at Kinjo University and will be leading the other team members who are also placed there. I've heard a lot about the girls at Kinjo Uni from Cecilia's email updates so I'm really looking forward to serving there. Being a uni with Christian roots, I think there are certain factors that will make it easier to share the Gospel but at the same time I know there will still be some difficulties/obstacles. I'm grateful for this opportunity even though I can't speak Japanese! I know that God is greater than any language barriers and difficulties we will experience.

Anyway I taught my last Sunday school class yesterday. There's 4 girls in my class and it has been a really great year with them. Although I know they still have a lot of questions and things to learn, I see their willing hearts to learn more about God and how they have grown and changed over the year. I do wish I could be an even better teacher to them because I realise that there's so much I still need to learn myself. But I know that I've learnt a lot already through preparing the lessons. I will try to make the lesson even more interesting from next year since I've gotten more experience and am more confident. I was happy with the sharing our class had in the last lesson as we got to reflect on the year but also just chat casually and get to know each other more, which I felt we lacked because I'm usually always trying to get through lesson content.

Can't wait for Mission Megumi nowwww!!!

one year on from BB

It has almost been a year since going on Beyond Brisbane! So many memories from that time. (Today was so hot! It reminded me of the weather in Brisbane...) Anyway, I just felt like posting the promo vid that was made with footage from our project.

60%!

I've raised about 60% of my support now! argh I still haven't given out letters to people who don't go to my church because the original letter I wrote doesn't include a lot of what I ended up sharing verbally at my church, which I would like to include in my letters. I'm really grateful though for all the support I've received from church because the sum I have to raise is quite a lot. I did kind of worry a tiny bit when I was sitting at about 20%, not knowing whether or not I would be able to meet the deadlines, but in actual fact, I haven't had to worry at all because of how God has been providing.

I think the letters I give out in the next week (when i get around to writing them up properly) will mainly be to gather up prayer supporters, because I know I can never have enough prayer support. And if any of these people are willing to give financially then I will be all the more grateful since they will be helping me round up the amount of support needed.

One more week of uni left to go~! I have around 5 assignments left to do argh!!!! All due within the next week. Everything should be officially done by next Monday and then I'm freeeeee!!! yay. Except I still need to get my last practicum report from one of the high schools I taught at and also sort out my enrolment stuff to see if I still need to repeat that subject... The system won't let me re-enrol for that subject because it says I've already done it so I need to go talk to someone at uni about it to get it all sorted out. Hoping that everything will work out ok :)

quick support update

I'm at 40% now with my support for Mission Megumi! Praise God for providing! What I have so far is mostly from church members but the church itself has also pledged an amount of money which they will give me later. That would bring me to about 50% woot! I'm yet to pass on letters to people outside of church because I need to fix up my letters to be suitable and explain what I'm doing more clearly.

Anyway, these next two weeks are pretty full on for me because it's the last two weeks of uni! Gotta get working on the mountain of work I have!

Jehovah-Jireh

I got to speak at church last week about Mission Megumi (in Chinese!) and church members started to support me straight away. Two weeks into support raising..I actually already have about 20% of the total raised! Praise God for this because He ALWAYS provides for our needs. I'm so grateful to Him for giving me a peace and comfort about all the support raising even before I had made a definite decision about going on this project. It gave me one less thing to worry about in applying for the project as I knew if it was God's will then He would provide everything in due time. I still have a fair way to go but I'm trusting in the Lord's provision for it all.

All praise to Jehovah-Jireh!

Mission Megumi and teaching

I've been meaning to update on things about Mission Megumi and teaching since maybe three weeks ago. That was when the application deadline for the summer project was and I still hadn't spoken to my parents about it. I was about to finish my first placement as well where I was teaching ESL. I had a good time at that school but I actually haven't got the report for my teaching at that school yet, because I had two supervisors.

Mission Megumi

Anyway, so it was the week the Mission Megumi application was due and I printed off the information and church leader reference to show my dad. He was pretty much the only person really suitable to fill in the form at my church so I needed to get his approval to go on the mission. I gave it to him in the morning before I went to teach at high school and then talked to him after I came back home that day. I couldn't really understand why but he was still not really supportive when I brought it up again. He was talking about the money needed, that it was a lot and was questioning how effective things would be. I don't really know what he was trying to get at because he was comparing the amount of money with the period of time that the team would be there and yeah he wasn't explaining to me what he really meant. I was quite frustrated and annoyed because I thought his reasons for not giving me support were sort of "stupid" because he is a pastor and of all things I didn't think money was something to worry about if we are working for the Lord. I realised though that there was no point in getting annoyed so I tried to stay calm and explain to my dad so that he wouldn't be so concerned and non-supportive.

Anyway he said that him and mum didn't like us asking church people for money. I didn't understand his reasoning but my sister had come out to help me talk to my dad because I had mentioned planning to go on the project to her. In the end, my dad agreed to fill in the reference form. He had remembered that an aunty at church had already said to him at the start of this year that she would support me if I went on another mission so that also helped. I hoped that he would remember that so he wouldn't worry as much, so I'm really thankful to God for already preparing the way since early on. I was very happy that my younger sister supported me too. At the time she was planning to go on summer project too so I'm really grateful to God for how he has been working in her in the past few months after MYC.

So I sent in the application and they received it the next week. About a week after that (on the 10th of September) I was officially accepted!! I need to start support raising ASAP, so I'm going to talk about the project tomorrow at church. But somehow the projects people have messed up some stuff and sent my information and deposit book to the wrong person (someone with the same surname as me...but different name :S) Anyway, hopefully I can get the stuff this week. I'm not really sure how things got messed up since my details on the projects website are correct.

Teaching

Anyway as for teaching, I finished all my placements yesterday. For the past three weeks I was doing my Chinese placement. Blehhh, there were ups and downs in the placement, but I'm glad I've finally finished! The year 7s and 8s were difficult to manage but I really liked the year 10s. Year 9s were ok too. It was a little difficult for me because of the way the Chinese teacher had set up the class. He taught each class with two sets of books because the students' levels ranged too much. And also because it was my first time teaching Chinese to high school students I wasn't really sure of the best way to do things (last time I taught primary school). So when I had to teach two different textbooks in one class, it felt like I was pretty much teaching two different classes at the same time. The supervising teacher helped with classroom management a bit but most times he was just on his laptop. He was on it every lesson, and only gave me written comments once. I didn't really like the placement, but also I couldn't put more effort into it. In a way, I didn't care so much because I just wanted to get through it. I sort of figured that I didn't really want to teach Chinese in the future so it was just like whatever...

In the end the supervisor gave me a pretty good report. He hadn't filled it out before the last day and was doing it with me while I was sitting there, so yeah I don't think it really reflected how I did on the placement. It's good that the report wasn't bad, but it doesn't really seem right. I know I need much more experience and confidence in myself. hmmm but confidence, humility, arrogance, inferiority. I think I struggle with these and to what extent I am displaying or am supposed to be displaying these. praying to be more like Christ...

August update

Finally told my parents about my study situation. I told my dad (and then he told my mum). Luckily he didn't blow up in anger because he was in the middle of watching TV when I told him. I wasn't too sure when my mum found out exactly because I went to work that night and also the next day until the afternoon. When my mum asked me about it, it was in the calmest manner ever(!) so I was surprised but thankful to God that the timing of everything was right and that my parents weren't too negative about the whole situation.

Anyway now that I've got that off my chest, I've still got to bring up Mission Megumi to my parents. I have three weeks until the deadline where all the paperwork has to be in. I start placement next week which will give me a much needed break from the assignments that I've already had to work on and hand in. I'm feeling quite a lot of pressure from all the things I've taken on and sometimes really just wanna cave in and give up. I feel as though when I'm doing things I'm not putting all my effort into it because there's so much to do. Like preparation for the humanities bible study, teaching sunday school and my assignments. In terms of serving God at church and at uni I've really realised my limitations in knowledge and ability and really wish I could do my part to change that but right now, it's something that I can't just fix straight away. I sorta lost track of what I was trying to get at, except that I know I can only get through all of this if I depend on God and not myself. I will bring up Mission Megumi again with my parents some time next week.

The other thing was, I'm struggling so hard to work with a classmate of mine for an assignment we had to do in groups. We could choose who to work with but I sorta just ended up with this person (because the class doesn't have a lot of students) but deep down, I didn't actually want to work with this student. I've known this person for awhile but I was never really close to them. When we met up to do our work, I don't know why it was so hard for me to work with them or agree with anything they said. There's several reasons why this was the case but I just didn't know how to deal with it or stop myself from reacting in a not so positive way or having a sorta stinky attitude to doing work with the student. I know I'm lacking love for this person. It's just so difficult when I can't see what there is to love about someone =.=" I have to work with this person again for a later project in the semester. But honestly I don't want to. I feel bad though because I know I'm only thinking about myself.

I was just looking up the word "selfish" on biblegateway and this verse came up: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." - Philippians 2:3
I realise I have a long way to go in terms of true humility. God, please humble me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GOD!

After emailing the course advisor about my situation, I got a reply from him saying I can continue with this semester even though I didn't pass the third year subject. YAY! I'm so thankful to God for making everything work out. I prayed so much before I went to see the administrative officer first and then while I was typing out the email to the course advisor so that I could write the email in the best way. I'm so thankful for the prayers from the people around me as well. I don't know what I would have done without the support from the people God has placed in my life.

I haven't told anyone in my family yet. Since last week I was so tempted to tell either one of my sisters or even both, but I just couldn't. It's not that we don't have a good enough relationship but it's just that it is never steady and I was afraid of what would happen, what they would say or what they would think of me T__T Anyway I will have to let my family know very soon. I will be praying about it...

I've learnt my lesson. I know I wasn't a good student for that subject, especially my attitude towards it. I don't deserve any mercy but I'm so grateful that I wasn't punished too badly for my mistakes and that things aren't too messed up. I really don't know what came over me for that subject, I've never treated my studies so lightly. I know I can't be lazy for this semester, because as soon as I slack off, it will all fall apart and I don't want the same thing to happen again.

Anyway, I'm excited for another semester on campus. I can put more time into Student Life as well as doing the things I want to do like studying the bible, learning Japanese and learning guitar! I might be able to go to another MYC too! yay

Jeremiah 29:11

I did something wrong. I didn't pass a third year subject and it was entirely my own fault. The subject isn't hard at all, all I needed to do was submit the second assignment but I don't know why it was so difficult for me to do it. The worst thing is that I have this mentality of having to be happy with what work I submit and if I'm unsatisfied with the work then I really can't settle with anything I know isn't displaying my actual understanding. I feel like I'm trying to comfort myself but the main problems were because I had bad time management, no self-discipline and self-control and because I procrastinated. I couldn't handle the pressure of everything happening at once and having to do my placement around the same time too. Anyway I've paid the ultimate price for it and failed the subject.

Technically, I'm not allowed to do fourth year stuff unless I've passed all the third year subjects but because I was on exchange I was exempted. But now that I didn't pass that one subject I don't know what will happen. While I know I should see someone at the education office, I'm scared that if I see them they will tell me that I can't continue this semester because I failed that subject. But at the same time, if I don't see them and continue on they might end up telling me later that they can't count what I've done this semester because I didn't pass that subject. I'm hoping that I can continue this semester with what I'm doing and do the third year subject next year. This is a little annoying because I will have just the one subject to repeat but at the same time it will give me the opportunity to be involved in Student Life.

It has also totally changed my plans for the future. Originally I had mapped out the next three years but because of my wrongs I've had to change it all. I won't be able to go to Korea next year to teach English on the government sponsored program anymore. The option is still there but maybe in 2012. I was going to do further study as well but I don't think it's very suitable anymore. But I think going to Japan on a STINT (in 2011) is much more worthwhile. If things go to plan then next year I will be studying in the first half of the year and then I can have my graduation ceremony in the second half. I can also spend time during the whole year studying Japanese and more of the bible. Although, I've been studying education for the last four years I feel as though the thing I want to study the most is actually God's word.

At the start of the year when I was seeking God's guidance on what he wanted me to do in the future, I really wanted to know if my plans were his plans. This is actually what I've wanted, for my plans to slowly change to his. I was quite sad when I found out that I didn't pass that subject (because it was my own fault and made things quite troublesome) but it made me think of this verse from Jeremiah 29:11: '"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."' This has given me comfort over the fact that I can't go ahead with what I originally planned and how it was going to play out because I know that God's plans are much greater than mine.

Right now, my only concern is telling my parents. I don't want them to know :( But I know I can't hide it from them and that I need to be honest with them about it. I know they're not going to like it because I have to take longer to finish my degree and they're gonna tell me off. Many others will realise too because they will see me around for longer even though I've told people I was graduating this year. But actually the thing I'm worried about the most is having to tell my parents about this but also having to talk to them about Mission Megumi. I wish I had their support for it already because now if I have to bring up both things I know they will look down on me and criticise me and question me as a person. I know they'll say something like "how can you go on a mission and tell others about God when you can't even manage yourself and pass your subjects???" Anyway I'm trusting God that he will take care of things and that it'll all work out. I don't feel that good about what I have and haven't done and my flaws that have put me in this current situation. I will get over it though...

mission megumi

Applications for Student Life's summer projects wasn't open yet after MYC, so I was checking the site regularly to see when I could start to apply. I wrote last time that my parents weren't that supportive when I mentioned the project to them right after MYC and I thought to myself once the applications opened I would talk to them about it again. I didn't think it would be so soon but applications are now open online but I don't seem quite prepared to bring the topic up again with my parents. I know that if it's God's will then things will work out, it's just hard because it seems like I have to prove myself to my parents or convince them that going on this mission won't be a waste of time and that God will use me to make a difference on this project.

I will probably wait a bit longer before I bring it up again, because I figure I need to settle down into uni, pray about it and ask God to teach me what to say. I think it will be easier to gain my dad's support first because someone from church had actually already spoken to him several months ago about supporting me if I went on a summer project again. I was so amazed because at that time I had already been thinking about Mission Megumi but I hadn't told anyone yet. If my dad still remembers that then it might be easier to get full support from my parents. As for my mum, I'm just praying that God will work in her heart and that she will look past the money issue and that I will be able to talk to her clearly about the real purpose of the mission. Hopefully she will be able to understand why we raise support and turn her focus to what can actually happen on the mission instead of what happens before it.

I actually applied for the project already while I was writing this post...But because I need to wait for Renee to come back from the U.S. (to fill out some reference forms) I won't be able to submit all the forms until some time in August. It gives me time to talk to her about it and figure out how I will talk to my parents about it too.

I can't hold this in.. I'M SOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really looking forward to meeting Japanese students and sharing the gospel with them. It's going to be challenging but I can't wait! Trying to teach myself some basic Japanese now... it's not really getting anywhere but hopefully because I studied Korean before, it will be easier for me to pick up.

Just one more thing, in the past two days my little sister has been meeting up with student life and american summer project people from her uni for the planning of an outreach. I'm so happy that she's getting involved and that MYC has really changed her attitude and understandings. I asked her if she was thinking about going on a summer project and she said maybe. If she went on one I think it would be a huge learning experience for her. I was thinking about how different she is from me but also how loveable she is. Sometimes I wish I could be a better sister to her. Anyway, I'm so thankful to God! He continually blows my mind with how awesome He is.

This is just a passage that we were trying to memorise at ISM yesterday and I thought I'd write it out:
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. ~Psalm 1~

MYC!!!!!! + monash (mainstream) + mission megumi

Back from MYC on Friday and can't believe that it's already over! Over the six days I learnt so much about the Holy Spirit!!! The talks really changed my understanding of the Holy Spirit and made me want to learn more about the bible and the language that was used in the original.

I'm so happy that my sister was able to go along too!!!!!!!!! When she said she didn't want to go to connexions back in april, I was a little annoyed because I had suggested she join student life at her uni but she wasn't involved at all. But God taught me to let go of that attitude of trying to control her and to just pray for her. I was so happy when I asked her if she wanted to go to MYC and she said yes. I think meeting a bunch of Christians from her uni and hearing about what Student Life is about has really changed how she thinks. Hopefully, MYC has changed how she spends her time at uni and her priorities.

and YAY got to see Shubo, Nobu, David and Anne! I remember after Beyond Brisbane we were saying see you at MYC!! Time has gone by so quickly. This year was probably my last MYC as well. At least as a student. :(

hmmm I feel sort of confused about the decision I made at the start of the year to stay in mainstream. I see the need in the mainstream ministry at monash, but at the same time I feel as though I don't really fit... It's a conflicting cultural identity issue and it's bugging me so much, because while I can't ignore the Australian part of me, I've realised what a big connection I have to the Asian side of me (which might be overpowering my aussieness). But the fact that I'm in my last semester and won't be at uni every week means that it's difficult for me to commit to anything at all. Makes me quite sad because I wanted to make the most of the last semester I have at uni. I don't know.

Anyway I'm preparing for Mission Megumi, the summer project to Japan (which will be in their winter). I mentioned it to my parents but their reaction was not ideal :( My dad questioned why I was thinking of going as if to say what point is there in you going? And then my mum reacted straight away to the whole money/support raising issue. She said she didn't like the asking for money thing from people at church to go on the project. I really can't understand why my parents who are Christians can't give me full support to go on this mission from the start. I can only pray that if it's God's will for me to go then I will gain 100% support from my parents because they are such a big part of my life and who I am today. I will update as more stuff happens. I know God will prepare the way.