July 11 - post of random thoughts that I wrote a few weeks ago (June 22)
I got the STINT application package last week from Renee. I think it will take longer to fill out than I thought. I realise that this is a pretty big decision that I have to make and I'm a little worried that the decision I make isn't what God wants me to do. I've temporarily put aside the thought of my parents being 100% supportive of my decision to go on STINT because if this is my calling then I will follow through with it even if my parents don't entirely like the idea. But at the same time I'm still concerned because I will need my dad to fill out my pastor's reference form. I don't know why I feel this way, but the thought constantly comes up that I need to prove that I'm worthy of going on STINT to my dad (and to others), even though I know that I will never really be 'qualified'.
Not really sure either, why the thought has crept in that all the things that have happened in the last 2 years that have pointed towards Japan do not actually equate to a call to go serve there as a missionary. Having said that though, my desire to go serve there hasn't diminished in any way in the last half year since Mission Megumi and those thoughts I've been having are probably a result of feeling a bit lost about my future and having completed my course. I guess I've been a little insecure about graduating from studying education since I've haven't been 100% sure whether this is what God wanted me to do and am not even sure if this is the area I want to work in in the future too. Even though I hoped the uncertainty would go away, it has stuck with me throughout the whole duration of my course; whether I made the right choice to study education or not. And my parents didn't help a whole lot because even though they encouraged me in my decision to study education, I could always tell that they didn't really think I would ever make a good teacher or be suitable for such a job.
The other thing that has crossed my mind is whether there are things that certain people should simply not do. Was I just trying to force myself into the teacher mould even though I'm not suited for such a role? I wonder if I really fit such a position...
This is not that related but also, as a Christian, shouldn't the ability to lead a bible study or teach on a passage/topic be something that we can all do? Shouldn't we all be able to share the Gospel with someone with the same ease that we have when it comes to say breathing or eating? People try to excuse themselves from certain areas of service because they're not "gifted" in that area or are they just too lazy to learn or too comfortable with how things are. It's something I've seen at my church with people in all age groups who would rather be spoon-fed and stay as a baby who can't do anything for themselves, rather than be challenged and actually grow in maturity. argh I don't know
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