Bringing my sin into the light

Can't believe how quick time has gone by and how I've already been back in Australia for 6 months. I haven't been so motivated to blog about stuff that has been happening even though there are things that God has been teaching me that I do want to share with people.

There were times where I felt really crummy, emotions were running wild and was just feeling plain lost. Other times were really great as I met up with old friends, met new people and saw the process that God was bringing me through to help me transition to my next step here.

It was raining when I first started writing this post. I like listening to rain since in a way it's a reminder of how God has washed away my sin. He has been humbling me time and time again as He has helped me to see the sin in my life that He is freeing me from.

It was easy to start thinking selfish and sinful thoughts during the times that I felt down and just having a really rotten attitude. Firstly because relationships take effort and since I was away it was going to take time to reconnect with people. Relationships with a lot of people weren't going to be like they were before either and that was hard to accept. There were too many times where I was just wallowing in self-pity wishing that people would take initiative with me and was frustrated that it seemed like few people genuinely cared about the two years I spent in Japan and the significance of the work there.

I questioned why I even went in the first place and why I came back to Australia when not a single person said to me when I came back "you worked hard, Olivia" or something equivalent to 辛苦了, おつかれ or 수고했어. For me it was just that people didn't really take an interest in wanting to hear about how I had seen God work or what the situation is really like there and how they could continue praying. It started to bug me every time people just asked me about whether I could speak Japanese as if that was the main reason why I went.

But really these last few months have really shown me how much of a sinner I am and how I am so in need of God's grace. These arrogant, unloving thoughts (and more) just came out when things got hard when I thought I had already surrendered to God the right to making something of myself in this world, to be recognised, acknowledged, appreciated, to have a comfortable life. I know how prideful I was in my thinking and how going to Japan was never about being recognised or praised for what I did but it always goes back to being about giving glory to God. I know that without God, there is no way that I could ever be good or pursue things that He cares about.

So I've learnt to put myself in the shoes of others, understanding that it's going to happen that people won't know what to ask about my time in Japan or that they won't necessarily take an interest as much as I wish that wasn't the case. As I've mentioned to others though that I've learnt to make the most of every chance I do get to talk to someone about my experience, even if it's really brief and it's not what I want to be asked about. I know that others have also been through some major changes in their own lives too and that instead of complaining and thinking badly of others who don't respond, I have tried to keep up the initiative on my part, thinking the best of others rather than taking offence or only looking to my own needs.

I can see the battle that was going on between my old and new self. By God's grace, I have been seeing more throwing off of the old self and more putting on of the new. And I thank God that He has helped me to be more open about things I'm going through because I've always had the tendency to keep things to myself and not want to open up to others to show my weaknesses and vulnerability. He has particularly been challenging me on bringing my sin into the light and really learning to walk in the light as it's written in 1 John 1:5-10. He has brought me so much freedom as He helped me to see how my sin grieves Him and helped me to flee sin and temptations and to expose my sins for what they really are.

Knowing that God has already conquered over sin has really allowed me to see the sin that I struggled with after coming back no longer having any hold on me!

Back in Melbourne

It has been a month since I left Japan! There have been ups and downs as I got used to living at home again and I guess the reverse culture stress and adjustment has been more overwhelming than I expected (even though I had braced myself for it).

The hardest thing has been getting my head around all the changes that have taken place and actually bring myself to deal with/accept the changes. What makes it hard is that I like and don't like change at the same time. I don't know if that makes sense.

All I know is that even though all things change and have an end, God is that only constant in my life whom I can depend on. He gives me so much to look forward to as I prepare to transition into serving full-time with Student Life back here!